Decisions

Decisions, decisions, decisions. As you will notice, they will mostly be based on other people. This is how I work.


Where to live

Edinburgh – Do I want to stay? I feel like I’ve not made that many good friends. I know I now know a lot more people. Probably more people than many people know in their whole lives. But I don’t feel like they’d miss me or I’d miss them. Except Caroline, Erin, Alex, Adam and Dave. But Erin is about to move back to Canada, Alex only sees me at home and I don’t reckon we could manage to meet otherwise, Adam is very busy and we only see each other once a month and we could do that living in different cities, same with Dave. That only leaves Caroline who I would miss and I think would be upset. I do love the place. Every day I still remember that. And every time I see the castle it cheers me up. And every time I see my street I love how pretty it is. I really, really, really want to belong here. But I’m not sure I do or can. Maybe I need to make a different life and then bring it here…
Manchester – I’m not sure I can go back. There are people that I miss so much. Charlotte, Liz, Cass, Andy, and their associated friends. I’d have people I love around me far often. I’d be nearer my folks, who I have missed a lot. I don’t know why – I didn’t used to see them often. I probably see them as often now. I just know that I can’t see them as easily.
Bolton – I could move home. It’d be cheap. I could probably get a good job at Bolton Hospital, or Wigan or one of the Manchester ones that’d be easily commutable. I’d eat properly and get enough sleep and have everything I could possibly want. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard to visit friends from there either. Right now, I can see no disadvantages.
London – I was going to go here when I moved to Edinburgh. The reason I didn’t was that when I was thinking about it I was going to be teaching, which had a minimum salary. As a nobody I didn’t have that, and therefore couldn’t afford it. I’d say that now I have a minimum salary through the NHS that might be able to support me there… Would it be fun?
America – I wonder if I could go live in America for a year. Is that complicated? I’ll ask Melissa.

I suppose it’ll all get sorted when Melissa is here. Is that weird?? Probably. Cause I don’t know what her plans are. I think she is going to move to Edinburgh in a year, for a year or two. If so, I will buy somewhere that she can live too. Then I will plan for what I want when she’s left. But if that’s not the case, then I shall decide whether to stay or go.

Where to work

I want to be more useful. I want to work in the NHS still. I need more skills. I don’t know what these could be. I don’t know how to be more useful, and that bugs me A LOT. I just don’t know what I’d be most use at. How can I find that out?? I might go back into HR. At least I felt useful. People told me every day how useful I was and how better than the others I was.



Every decision is right and wrong. There is nothing in it. Who knows where I will find what I want from life – to fill my void? I want a life partner. That is what I want. There is no real way I can make that happen. So I don’t know what to do until then. Every decision seems pointless.

Everything seems pointless.